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HEALTH HINTS

Elder Care: Part III How Are We Going To Tell Mom?

“Charity suffereth long, and is kind . . . and now abideth faith, hope, and charity,

these three; but the greatest of these is charity.” (Corinthians’ 13: 4, 13)

In this series of articles, we are presenting some general information about care of the elder members of our families. The focus for this presentation is on communicating with the elderly so that there is physical, mental and spiritual health and there is peace within your family relationships.

Communication Principles. To the degree that you are able to talk openly and frankly with your Mom or Dad, conveying caring, warmth, and positive regard, to that degree the older adult will tend be trusting and responsive, able to participate in making decisions, and ultimately accepting of needed changes. Research shows caring, warmth and positive regard are communicated by certain behaviors. So, the quality of your communication tends to vary directly with your ability to stop, look, wait, and listen.

First, stop. Take time to stop what you are doing.

Second, look Mom or Dad in the eye. Maintaining eye contact is an important behavior. Assume an eye-level, equitable position, rather than a superior, “towering over” stance. Lean forward to indicate you are giving your full attention to what is being said. Speak clearly and rather slowly in a calm, warm voice to be assured you will be heard and understood.

Third, wait. Allow the older adult time to respond. It may take a bit longer than you are accustomed for the elderly person to think about your question and decide what to say. Be patient and wait for the reply; try to avoid anticipating answers.

Fourth, listen. If you want to know what is going on inside another person, the only way to really know is to listen to what the person says about feelings, thoughts, beliefs, attitudes, needs, wants, goals, etc. This is your primary source of data for figuring out how to help.

Communication Techniques. There are some specific techniques for communicating with the elderly. Being older is not indicative of dumbness or deafness, so avoid treating the elderly as if retarded and shouting at them. A rather basic but often an overlooked factor is the hearing aide; be sure it is in place. By closing a door or turning the T.V. off, you can reduce background noises to facilitate talking. You may need to move to a quieter location. Start with casual topics, and bring up critical issues later in the conversation. Use short sentences and questions. Stick to one topic for a while and avoid quick shifts from one topic to another. Take note of special interests, topics, and family members the older person talks about, and acknowledge the older adult’s introduction of a new topic. Encourage reminiscence. Remembering happy times, problems solved, conflict resolved, etc. is validating personal identity for the elderly person. And be sure you understand what is being said. If you suddenly realize you have lost touch with the elderly person’s thoughts, just ask for clarification; then actively listen.

Presenting Reality. Your goal is to help your Mom or Dad participate as fully as possible in the plans for necessary changes in their lives. You want to keep your older relative up to date on what is happening and what needs to happen. Present options. Allow time to think things over. Making choices is not easy. It gets complicated, and a person can get mixed up trying to figure everything out. Expect to repeat vital information frequently. Details can be forgotten. To the degree it can be the elderly person’s own decision, to that degree the individual will maintain mental alertness, be current, and be accepting of the change. Have faith. Give hope. Be charitable.

By Bonnie Battey, Ph.D., R.N. Originally published (1996-97) in the newsletter of Good Shepherd Evangelical Lutheran Church, Front Royal, Virginia and peer reviewed by the Health and Wellness Committee members: Robin Nida, R.N.*; Jean White, BSN, R.N.*; Alfred L.“Chip” White, Esq.; Pastor Robert Jones; & Bonnie Duldt Ph.D., R.N.*, Chair. (*Volunteer Parish Nurses); also S. Preston Childress, Jr., M.D.